NOW Oct 22, Inland Vineyard

I will be doing a night of worship at the Inland Vineyard on Oct 22. I am hoping to see some old friends there.
Kim Gentes the founder of Worshipmusic.com will be leading as well. The special treat for me is to have my son in law Trey Tatum leading with us as well. You can follow this link for more info. http://www.worshipgathering.com/nightWorship.php

I am part of a church because.......

Recently (Febuary)I became an active member of a local church, that's recent when you consider I wasn't really connected for about 9 years. Church is a quirky thing in our day and age at least it is in my opinion, you can pretty much pitch your tent anywhere you want, gather a group of people, develop a set of rules and call it church. It's hard for Protestants to say much to defend the constant fragmentation of 'the church'. I think the Orthodox and Catholics can argue for consistency and continuity far more persuasively than 'we' can. I hate to place myself in the 'we' but that's who I am. I looked into Orthodoxy and I was a Catholic, so to some degree I understand there positions. More importantly I appreciate them and believe we have allot to learn from them, but that's another blog at another time.
What I am writing about is my connection to a local church and why. I was confirmed Catholic and converted to Protestantism when I was eleven and joined up with the fundamentalist evangelical sect of that stream. I went from being a Quaker, the West Coast version, to Calvary Chapel to Vineyard. And yes C.C. and Vineyard are fundamentalist at the core. From that early age I became involved at a level that could put a full time minister to shame. I was at everything and doing anything needed from the time I was 11 to 43. At that point I hit the wall, had lost any sense of direction, I was just an all around mess for a while. Was the time and energy that I gave to 'the ministry' worth the loss? The answer was clear, No! Opportunity isn't the same thing as doing the Lords work. It took it's toll and for almost a decade, with the exception of putting my toe back in the water here and there, I avoided 'church'. To be frank, I felt it did me more harm than good for a boat load of reasons. I became so tired of the hype, the promises, the visions, missions and calls to action by insecure and ambitious people. It really wasn't hard to identify in others what at one time had been so prevalent in me.
But then I came across this little independent church, that had some questionable lineage of it's own, it was born out of the disruption of another church. And although not perfect, of course I knew the chance of any church being perfect was blown the minute I walked through it's doors, it has become home.
I have never sought perfection. I can't tell you how many times I have had people tell me, 'Well no church is perfect' as an excuse for a lack of integrity, accountability, honesty, authenticity and innocence. I'm not looking for perfection, that would be stupid, that isn't going to happen. I just want to be connected and work out my faith with people who are honest about who they are and what they are, sinners in need of a Saviour! I want to be with people who want to make a difference to whatever degree God grants them the grace to do. Enough with the 'change the world' challenges and calls. How about changing the world we actually live in starting with ourselves. How about realizing we are not two clicks away from the person living under the bridge. I honestly believe if a person doesn't get that, that they don't get it.
Evangelism at it's core is simply, 'one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread.'
What I have found at this little church is leadership that is accountable to an appropriate degree, innocence, a willingness to take a risk if it will benefit the community of faith, integrity and authenticity. Ordinary people seeking to do an extraordinary thing, change lives, one person at a time. Facilitating a real relationship with the Lord, that is based on His strength, His holiness, His compassion and His beauty. Gosh it's kind of a 'it is not I who lives, but Christ who lives in me', thing.

I am happy to be a part of this place, glad that I get to contribute with my life experience, talents and gifts, it helps me to know that those things which have been gained at a price, can be put to good use somewhere.

Like I wrote earlier church today is wide open, it's like going to Cold Stone for ice cream and coming up with whatever combination you want. I'm not advocating this, nor saying it's best, but it is, what it is. The key is in the ingredients. At the core is there integrity, accountability, honesty, compassion and a big old portion of God's grace. Is there an honest, fair and practical understanding of the Word of God, not a rigid and often times unfair use of the Bible to guilt, shame and beat people into compliance.
I have always encouraged those I have had influence with to not check their Bible and brains when they walk through the doors of the church. Listen, watch, think about where you are, what is being said.
If we are going to have a positive, encouraging and beneficial experience with 'church', we need to be engaged and we need to care.
I'm happy I'm 'back', I know Jesus loves His bride as fragmented as she might be, wherever you belong, make sure it's a place that has the beauty of the Lord on it.

Time heals all wounds?

Anyone who has ever experienced a tragedy has heard the phrase, 'time heals all wounds', when one is going through the pain and agony of the trials and tribulations of life it seems so trite and it is beyond ones imagination that something so simply stated could be possibly true. Emotional pain is deeply felt and so real it is hard to imagine it ever going away or lessening. It is difficult to believe that things will ever be okay again, let alone that things can one day even be better.

But for the most part I think it is true. The 'for the most part' is a qualifier, because there are some wounds that diminish in terms of the pain, but never, ever truly go away. I recently came across a tape of a memorial service that a friend of mine gave me of his sons funeral. His son Jeffery a friend of mine had died prior to the end of our senior year in High School of cancer. He died an agonizing and prolonged death. His father gave me this tape at least a 20 years after the death of his precious boy, yet the wounds remained. The pain was evident, the sorrow was something he would take to his grave. So there are always exceptions to any statement that attempts to explain in brief, something as complex as the death of a child, a murder of an innocent mother, the rape of a vulnerable and defenseless human being, a wayward child, or death of a marriage. I acknowledge this in an attempt to not belittle or invalidate the horrific experiences that people face that will never fully be healed in this lifetime.
That said, there are many experiences that we have in this life, when we are going through them feel we could never ever recover from the pain and devastation of these these events introduce to our life.

The reality appears to be though that the pain does ease, the effects of the trauma wane and we somehow are able to move on in our lives. This is truly a gift from God. Many people turn to God in times of trouble, hoping that He will see them through the 'dark night of the soul', some don't. Whether one turns to God or not, the truth is time still heals and we do recover because our creator in His wisdom has made us in such a way that we do heal. I choose to give thanks to God for this wonderful ability, the ability to recover, to heal, to feel joy again. Of course when you are going through the difficulty it is close to impossible to believe or feel that this could be so. In fact when you are in the middle of your trial, it's hard to feel anything at all other than the pain. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are enveloped in utter darkness. One thing is almost certain, it isn't much of a help to the suffering one, to hear saying like, 'time heals all wounds', it also doesn't help much to hear stories about how you went through something horrible and made it through. For the most part people just to know that you are with them, you love them, you are not obligated to come up with something that will alleviate their pain and suffering. In most cases it's supposed to hurt! God created those feelings too. How do you lose a child and not feel your heart is being ripped from your chest? I don't understand how it works, I just know that if I didn't experience the pain that I have, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Having gone through it and come out on the other side, I am a more understanding, compassionate person.

Yes there is a time to say something but it's not when someone is filled with anguish and grief. My son recently took a nasty spill on his bike, hitting his forehead and getting some nasty asphalt burns, he was crying and very upset. The fact is when I saw him and heard his story, I got shooting pains down my legs, I felt so bad for him and simply comforted him. I didn't launch into a tirade on bike safety. Did we eventually talk about what happened and how to prevent it of course, but when he was bleeding and upset was not the time.

Being a Christian and for the most part spending the majority of time with the tribe, I have observed a real lack of compassion from those who have been the recipient of such and all encompassing compassion. We are so quick to lecture, to thoughtlessly throw out a Bible verse, I'm not against Bible verses, but they are not to be indiscrimately used as some sort of magical cure all. Christians who lack compassion scare me.

Time heals all wounds? Yes I believe it does and I believe it is a gift from God and the pain is a gift to, it makes us better people.

Friends???

When is a friend a friend? I had someone tell me recently about a conclusion she came to regarding a 'friend' of hers. I know this person quite well and I knew who she was talking about. It totally surprised me when she said 'you know I just came to realize that 'Jane' -not her real name- really isn't my friend.' Although surprised I felt like I knew what she was saying. When I say I think I knew what she was saying, it was because over the years I have come to realize the same thing. That there are many people who say they are your friend, they would say that to you and would say that to others, but their behavior contradicts this claim. We all go through times when our friendships are closer than at other times, the question to ask is, 'What is the relationship like in times of trouble?' Someone told me when I began experiencing difficulties in my life, that I would find out who my friends are and they were right. The person who told me this, in fact has turned out to be a wonderful and available friend. The truth is I don't see him much and we can go for long periods without communicating, but when I needed him most he was there and if I needed him now he would be there, no doubt about it.
This has actually been a wonderful discovery. It's not that the people that I would have thought were my friends aren't nice people or even good people. More than likely they are, they just aren't really my friends. And that is okay, you can only have some many really close relationships, so there is no use fooling yourself and spending energy on relationships that are based on pretense, no one needs that.
I have also discovered and realize more each day that the people that I am the most concerned about, in terms of there opinion of me, are my six children, I am happy for the friendships I have and there are more than I could ever hope for, but the indispensable relationships are with my six children and over time my grand children.
So who are your friends? The truth is, they are the people who act like it. People who don't always act in their own interest. People who think about you and act upon their thoughts. If they don't, guess what, they really aren't your friends.

Long ago in a galaxy far away.....

I just received a note from someone who commented on what he observed in the early stages of the group that eventually would become Calvary Chapel Yorba Linda, then in 1982 change it's name to The Vineyard Christian Fellowship.
The thing he pointed out was the simplicity that earmarked this group and he is right in observing this. It was very simple in it's formula, we would 'worship' for a long, long time, which in terms of song selection was really challenging at that time, because we didn't have the catalogue of worship songs that we have today. When we finished worshipping we broke up into little groups and we prayed 'for one another'. The ground rule was that you could only ask for prayer for yourself. You weren't allowed to talk about other people or other churches.

His note caused me to reflect on this time and some of the other elements that appeared to create an environment where God could move. There seemed to be a quite and corporate brokenness, a deep sense of need and a hunger for God. No one was thinking of starting a church at the time, there was no 'vision' or agenda in the beginning, just a sense that as Christians we had lost our pure and innocent relationship with Jesus. We had sacrificed it for 'service', ministry, mission ....fill in the blank, but the purity of simply seeking to be a follower of Christ had been lost along the way and we certainly didn't know how to get it back, in fact we probably couldn't have even identified the fact that we had lost it. We just knew that something wasn't right on a very deep level, the passion was certainly absent and the fullness of what we had experienced as young Christians had now turned into a sense of emptiness and there was a sadness concerning this loss. So first and foremost this time was earmarked with a deep awareness of our need.
It was also a time of real humility, those who had once been so sure of themselves were having to face the fact that they didn't have all the answers. Those who had been puffed up, had become deflated by their own failures and shortcomings. And everyone was willing to admit it openly not caring how others would judge them, but the surprise was no one was in the mood to judge anyone else, it appeared that God had imparted a sense of weakness in all of us.

It was in this environment that God came and moved on the hearts of a little rag tag group of people, it was a time of innocence, purity, neediness and humility and our ability to connect with God through our worship as infantile as it was, brought such healing and restored so much hope.

I guess the sad thing is that it was long, long ago, we grew, we caught attention world wide, we became 'something' and we became self conscience. We noticed that God was using us and the reality is over a period of time the innocence was gone, the weakness became strength, the humility became pride, and the purity was polluted. I guess that is what we can expect when we no longer 'glory in our weakness', when our need to do becomes greater than our need to be. Driveness and hard work take the place of dependence and rest.

So as I think about that time on the one hand I am blessed to know that God in His mercy would move in the way He did. I'm also saddened at how hard it would be today to identify any of the characteristics of that earlier time.

May God have mercy on us, one and all and make us aware that 'we can do nothing apart from him'. We may look like we are doing something and it may look like God is at work, but if He is not in terms of the values of the kingdom of God, I wonder if it's worth it?

Turning the corner

July 2, marked 9 years since I resigned as Pastor at the Anaheim Vineyard. The past 9 years have been a series of ups and downs, marked by times of depression, despair, confusion and pain. In the midst of that there has been a steady sense of God's presence and support/favor, whatever you want to call it, it is very clear to me He has been with me through it all. It just dawned on me that I have turned a corner, that things are brighter, I haven't felt depressed nor succumbed to it's grasp in a long time.
There appears to be several reasons for this. First of all is God's longsuffering nature, He has been patient and compassionate at every turn. Another thing has been I have six wonderful children who have kept me going, I could never give up knowing how that would affect them. They are my earthly reason for living. Friends, have made another remarkable difference, God has placed people in my path sometimes for a moment, sometimes for months and a few on an ongoing basis. They have been His representatives and it is amazing how these people have impacted me. I am so glad they reached out, so glad they believed in me, so glad they care, it has made such a difference in my life. Although the number is far less than what I might have expected based on the breadth of my relationship base, in reality it has been a lot of people. Way more than I deserve and way more than most people would have, I am very grateful. I point each of these things out because I hope it will encourage others who are journeying through dark and difficult times. Look for the sign posts of Gods working along the way and take comfort in the fact that He is at work, He doesn't give up, He doesn't lose faith, He never ceases to care. And if you know someone who is struggling, don't hesitate to reach out, even with a note or phone call, you will not believe the difference it can make. I have had phone calls out of the blue that have helped me to make it through another day, when I wasn't sure I could make it another hour.
Pray for me that I will have the time and get the discipline to write and recount all of this as an encouragement to others.

Worship

Years ago I received as a gift the book A Celebration of Discipline, by Richard Foster. In the chapter on worship which is worth purchasing the book for alone, the chapter begins with the following quote:
Worship
To worship is to quicken the conscience by the holiness of God
To feed the mind with the truth of God
To purge the imagination by the beauty of God
To open the heart to the love of God
To devote the will to the purpose of God
William Temple, late Archbishop of Cantebury

I have always felt it is the most concise and content laden definition I have ever read. At some point I will unpack it as I understand it on this blog, but I just wanted to put it out there for others to ponder.

I just unpacked this statement in a message at the Gilber Vineyard and will make the cd available through my website. If you have the time think through this statement, it is rich and I think meditating on it will benifit you.

I just left a post on an old friend’s blog in relationship to lies and how lies affect us. Specifically when we lie to others, our self and even God, we are in effect isolating ourselves. It is in this place of isolation that we are able to rationalize and make excuses regarding our attitudes and behaviors. Isolation and rationalization lead us to delusional thinking. I know we generally equate delusional thinking with the mentally ill, but I think there is an application here for all of us. When we act in ways that are sinful and somehow justify them, we are bearing witness to the fact that we have become delusional. We come to the place where we call what is wrong right and we call what is right wrong. It is through relationship, or connectedness, that the light shines on our hearts, revealing the truth, bringing us to our senses. There is no relationship where there is no truth, only isolation that leads to self deception, leading to the destruction of relationships that bring healing and restoration.

Hmmmm.....

I finally published a paper explaining my experience over the past few years and got out some things that to date I have not discussed publicly. I feel great! What is that, I mean I really feel good, at peace, content, ready to leave it all behind and just because I commited somethings to paper? I would have never imagined that it would have such an impact on me, yet it has and I am glad.

Weak or Wicked?

Over the past few years I have heard people give opinions on the failures of others, particularly those who have served in visible leadership positions in the church, as I once did. I have not been privy to what people have speculated in regards to my failures, but I have heard what has been said about others. It goes something like this, ' I can't believe 'Ernie' could do such a thing, he knew exactly what he was doing and yet he still went out and ministered. No wonder 'Pastor Joe' is so upset with him, he gave him a platform and was betrayed by him'. When you hear it you understand what the person is saying and in some cases that may be true, but I think there is another explanation as well. In fact when I heard this being stated I responded by saying, 'Well I guess that's true, if, 'Ernie' is an evil man. But what if he was simply weak?"
Not only have I experienced failure personally, I have known others well who have and frankly I can understand how they got to a place where they were able to act in a duplicitous way. Let us say that there is a person who is highly gifted, sought after and whose ministry is fruitful. Then let us say that this person is also has areas that are broken and unrecovered in his life. A person in such a state often finds themselves in great conflict when it comes to understanding how they can be at the same time 'blessed and gifted by God' and broken and susceptible to sinful behavior. The truth is the people around such a person for the most part become so enamored by giftedness that they ignore character issues, many times turning a blind eye to things that indicate that all may not be right. This too can confuse the gifted who for the most part they feel as if their brokenness is evident to all, yet no one seems to be to terribly concerned, which feeds their deception. By the way I'm not excusing anything here I'm simply trying to explain something.
So you have this gifted and fruitful person and I use fruitful intentionally because I am assuming only God can bring forth good fruit, which feeds the delusion of the gifted, yet broken. This person is losing the battle over sin in one arena, yet seems to be winning the battle over Satan in another! So this person is goes about their life and a temptation comes forth and they succumb to the temptation and sin. In the aftermath of the sin they feel great remorse, guilt and shame; they confess their sin, making promises to God that they will never act in such a sinful and evil way again. Soon thereafter they are placed in a position to minister and do so with great affect and with apparently bearing wonderful fruit. This can cause the person to believe that this is a sign of God's forgiveness and His favor and they feel greatly relieved and comforted by this fact, until......they are tempted again and succumb again! The pattern doesn't cease and ultimately the person is ‘found out’ and or ‘caught in sin’ and in many cases are written off as being liars and hypocrites, deceivers and such. When in reality they are weak, broken and confused, needing the Body to cover them in love and mercy, restoring such a one gently as the Bible says. I didn't say for the Body to 'cover up' for them, I'm not advocating ignoring disqualifying behavior and enabling the broken one. What I am advocating is, well, what the Apostle Paul advocated, 'When someone is caught in sin, you who are spiritual (you who are relying on the Spirit for your holiness) restore such a one with gentleness AND be careful least you fall into temptation yourselves.' The temptation is to judge ' Ernie is a wicked man, he knew what he was doing, therefore it is acceptable for us to act out our anger and take punitive action against him'. We can also succumb to the temptation to punish, of which there is no such mandate released to the church in the scripture.
The truth is most of our leaders do not fail in a vacuum; they generally don't get into a place where they have become delusional, calling wrong right and right wrong without some enabling behavior by those around them. It takes everyone’s co operation in most cases. But when a leader falls we generally like to let them fall alone, isolated as if we had no part in their failures. Which I doubt is true in many cases.
Hey if a person is evil and their intention is to deceive others, to abuse others, to exploit others, that is another thing altogether. My guess is that in most cases we have people like David, a man after God's own heart, or Peter, who of course would never betray Jesus, who on the one hand are people called by God, used by God, blessed by God, yet their own weakness leads them to deceive themselves and allows them to deceive others even if that wasn't their intention.
If someone is wicked we have clear instruction as to what to do with them and by the way even then we aren't the ones administering punishment, we are to turn such a one over to Satan for the destruction of their sinful nature. But if that isn't the case, if they are weak and caught in sin, then we have another clearly outlined mandate in scripture, 'restore such a one gently'
Wicked or weak, that is the question?

On Worship

I have begun leading worship on a regular basis at a local church, it's probably been 20 plus years since I was the primary worship leader anyplace. I really love much of the new music and have been enjoying it for years. Although the music has changed my approach hasn't. I don't see myself as a 'worship artist', or see myself performing in the classic sense. What I seek to do is through song help people to engage their hearts with the heart of God. The idea for me is to somehow help people to call to remembrance who He is, what He has done, His faithfulness, love and mercy, in doing so I think they will experience a refreshing and that their faith will be strengthened. I don't talk much or do any real exhorting of the 'congregation', I think it's the Holy Spirits job to do that. So what if people are standing with hands lifted up, if it isn't happening in their hearts. 'Those who worship must worship in spirit and in truth', which is God territory not mine. I just try to lead a seamless, flowing 'worship set' that allows for all of the above. Make sense?

Nov. 28,05

I talk about 'church' with many people, many of whom are not terribly satisfied with their experience. This will immediately evoke a defensiveness on the part of some of my readers, but for those who relate to the less satisfied folks, I would love to hear your thoughts. What makes church great? What makes it engaging and interesting? What do you look for in church. Again for those who are of the belief that we should simply march in and march out without question, without reflection, blessing to you. There are some of us who simply can't do that. I haven't been able to do that since I was 11 years old. I really became curious as I studied the Bible and then compared it to my church experience and it was troubling. I asked a lot of questions and for the most part I was given answers that didn't answer the questions at all. In fact they seem to avoid the question and focus instead on me, implying rebellion or divisiveness. It is a tried and true method of dealing with serious and valid questions to this day. Instead of answering the question, question the one who is asking. For instance when I asked one time' How much of the church budget was set aside of evangelism?', I was asked about my own personal commitment to evangelism. 'Have you witnessed for Christ today?' I didn't mind the question itself, what bothered me is the unwillingness to be open about the churches finances and the general feeling that any question was an attack on the church itself. I wonder how we can do it better (and we can do it better) if we never seek to find out where the weaknesses are. The term community is bandied about quit a bit these days and community is great. But we have to remember community is inclusive and embracing. Community looks at things from all sides and decides in a sense together, because in fact community is life together. I am all for leadership, I believe in some cases it's a gift of the Holy Spirit, but leadership in a vacuum is devoid of the essence of community. Community is critical for a people who are willing to reflect, listen, question, and challenge the status quo. Community is not hierarchical rather it is inclusive. It is a place where the fast slow down and the slow speed up so we can go together. Frankly if the stats we read about 57,000 people a week leaving the church are any where near correct, we probably should be asking some questions, seeking more answers and being a bit less defensive.

A simple question

Has your church become so seeker sensitive that it feels hostile to believers? I know there are many views on this, what's yours?

Interesting

Someone I know once observed that there is a three point message commonly given in churches today.
"God is good. You are bad. And you need to try harder?"

Unfortunately I think he is right.

Relationship or Religion

When I first became a Christian, one of the statements that I heard often went something like this, ' The difference between Christianity and other religions is that Christianity is a relationship not a religion.' I believe that this is true.

I'm wondering though do we talk relationship and do religion? Do we rely on ' principles' 'keys' 'steps' and 'choices' or are we engaged in a relationship that is, in a sense, renewed each day. Do we do the disciplines so we can have relationship? Or Do we have a relationship and therefore do the disciplines? Is it 'walking in the Spirit', that leads us to not fulfill the desires of the flesh? Or Is is simply a matter of making right choices? Is there a difference? I think there is, one is relationship based and one is more programmatic and frankly self reliant. One can be done in ones own strength and ability, the other can only be achieved through dependence and need.

Embracing my weakness in wholeness

I wasn't quit sure how to express what I want to say in the title. What I have been thinking about recently is how far God will go in bringing us to a place of brokenness. To a place where we are able to 'glory in our weakness'. I am much more comfortable when I feel strong and competent. I am certain that God does not take pleasure in the breaking process, but I am also certain that if it is what we have to go through to enter into a place of dependence he will allow it. I have gone through many things that have broken me down, lots of loss and pain, grief and sorrow. It has been very difficult, but it has been the road to recovery. Not a recovery of my strength, but of my dependent relationship with Jesus. I live in such a way that he truly is my 'daily bread', he is the one I turn to and depend on for what I will need to make it through today.
This is so good and I am so much more content and at peace in this place. My concern is as I begin to feel strong and able again that I will lean again on my own understanding. I want very much to move on in life, embrace God's call and give expression to my faith in Him, but I want to do that from a place of being in a continual state of knowing my need. It is in the place of not feeling and knowing my need that I begin to rely on myself for what only God can do. I have lived there for many years and although I was successful by all appearances, my relationship with the Lord suffered and I experienced a great emptiness, rather than the fullness I know now in a place of rest and dependence.

Church?

What is church? Really! Is it a location? How many people do you need for it to be 'church'? I'm serious, do we really believe that it is where 'two or more are gathered' or do we need to have Annoucements, Sunday School, Special Music and take an offering for it to be church? Do you have to have a sermon for it to be church? Hey I'm just curious, I sometimes wonder if everything we call church is really 'church'.
I know this with 57,000 people a week disengaging from church, we probably should be rethinking how we do church.
I think there are lots of ways to do church. My Orthodox and Catholic friends wouldn't agree, they seem to be pretty clear on what they think church is and I like to go to their meetings from time to time. I find it enriching and stimulating to my mind and my heart, but I'm not convinced that what they are doing is a replication of the early church.
There are many people who think they know what church is, there are 10's of thousands of examples of this in the Yellow pages across America. What if what Jesus said is true? What if He meant what He said? Just curious, what do you think?

Be a good follower

Along the lines of being a good follower I would advise: Don't check your brains and your Bible at the door! If you're in a place where it is not alright to ask questions, you are probably in the wrong place. At least not a safe place. Remember though, there is a big difference between a question and an accusation and sometimes the way we ask a question makes the person to whom the question is directed feel as if they are being accused of something. If a person feels like they are being attacked it is only natural for them to respond defensively.
I suggest that you seek clarification regarding a matter so you can fully understand either a decision that has been made or a statement you may have heard incorrectly. If it's not alright to seek clarification, agian you probably are in an enviroment that isn't all that healthy.