Friendship

I recently had a friend step down from ministry.  I don't argue the fact that those in ministry fail from time to time and need to be removed or step back from ministry. What I will argue is the process, in way too many cases, is utterly and completely flawed. This situation made me think about relationships and friendship in particular and what it means to be a friend.

There are many levels of friendship, casual acquaintances, life long friendships, new friends and deep personal relationship where there is transparency and natural accountability. I'll just deal with the two that are in my opinion the most important.
First of all, I am going to talk about lifelong relationship, ones that are 30 years old or longer. These friendships are just wonderful, so rich, so rewarding. Just the fact that you hang on and stick it out together is great in itself. But its more than that, in these relationships, you don't have to say everything in a precise and detailed way. You know each other and can laugh about some your faults and foibles. You have so much history there is always something to talk about and more than likely you have to be careful not to gossip. In these relationships you know you can make a call and this person or persons will do whatever they can to assist you or walk through a difficult time with you. If you have known each other this long, then you know lots of people in common and it's always interesting to see how various journeys unfold. Without a doubt you have experience great difficulties and challenges, probably great loses together. How sweet it is to have someone around who understands. I have a handful of these and they have played an important part in my life, helping me to continue, helping me to keep things in perspective, helping me to laugh in spite of the pain.

Another type of friendship, is one that goes even deeper and comprises a very small group of people. These are the people who love you up close and personal. Who stand with you when you are falling down. These people are willing to wound you so you may be healed. They will speak the truth in love, they will not judge or condemn, but they won't co sponsor your B.S. either.

I recently told a friend that I would stick with him, even if it meant sitting next to him on a street corner with a work for food sign. So many relationships in the world are conditional or utilitarian. If things are going well and you are in the zone of success, there are people around. If you are serving a purpose, can be used for some purpose, when the work is done, so are you.

Years ago when I resigned from my position at a church as Senior Pastor, I had some close friends say, 'now you're going to find out who your friends are', boy were they right. All of a sudden people who you knew for years, traveled with, ate with, laughed with, cried with just disappear, they no longer call nor return phone calls, it is really something to behold. I remember so clearly one day walking into a Starbuck's, and coming out the door was a man I had recently been to England with, on a great ministry trip, I greeted him and he simply walked right by me close enough to touch, and didn't speak to me. Some argue that these are the people who feel betrayed by you or hurt by you, OK I'll give you a little tip of the hat on that one, but the hurt that you and I may feel is nothing comparison of the family members.

I have been blogging about a friend of mine who has failed as a pastor and leader, I don't feel personally hurt by this, he didn't do anything to me, I don't feel betrayed by this that is ridiculous. His family is the one that has truly suffered and truly been hurt, the fact most of us are outside looking in these situations. What I found that almost every letter I received was kind and compassionate, an completely supportive. I think sadness is a better word than hurt, unless you were directly affected by the person.

Am I disappointed in my friend? Yes. Am I going to cut him off or abandon him, like so many have seemed to do. I call him every day, I get together with him, I am helping him in every way I know how. Am I doing something noble? NO, it is what friends do. Is he repentant? How and heck do I know that! I'm not God and that's the point, you can't know a persons heart, 'the sinner' usually doesn't know whether they are repentant for quite some time.
By the way if you know of someone in leadership and you are assuming that they are being cared for, don't! We the church, don't major in the 'restore such a one gently part' of things, so don't assume your pastor or leader is being cared for, more than likely they're not. If you are concerned reach out to them directly to make sure that they are okay.
You know what? I have been 'known and loved' by this person, and he is simply reaping what he has sown.

This kind of friendship is not based on performance or usefulness, but rather love and understanding. They as friends they endure the good and bad times because they are not measuring the relationship by conditional standards. You will never have many of these kinds of friends, most of us are lucky if we have one. I know this, I have more than I deserve and they heal me, they help me, they love me, in all my humanness. They can never love me like Jesus but they can be awesome representatives of Him in my life and they are. They help me to experience the Incarnate Christ here on earth.   These kind of friends, don't support or put up with your nonsense, but they don't leave when you can't hear or listen to what they are saying. They are patient, kind, caring and will kick the crap out of you if need be. I love/hate those friends! But I'm glad I have them and cherish them as much as anything in this life.

Who are your friends?

Random thoughts

I'll comment more on the stuff I have written regarding how the church handles failure of its members and in particular its leaders......man we are harsh....there are a couple things I need to listen to and read first....so for now just some thoughts on the last couple weeks...they have been tough...not on me so much...but on the lives of people I know....therefore it has impacted me rather deeply......first of all a friend of mine who has been in ministry for over a couple decades has stepped out of ministry and is going through a very difficult time......there is no doubt he needed to and has acted in ways that have hurt others.....but it always seems the response to that is to step back from the person, rather than embrace the person in their brokenness and sin......friends quit calling....people avoid contact and so the broken person who needs healing and ministry is left to fend for themselves........what a shame......I know this I am going to be his friend even when he acts like a dumb ass....what kind of friendship is it when someone fails...we abandon and cut off...if a person is a friend, aren't they always your friend, when they are acting good and when they are acting bad.....just some thoughts.....on top of this a young lady that I know took her own life...she was 35.......evidently felt so hopeless and was filled with such despair and confusion she decided she didn't want to live any more..........OUCH.......she had no interest in God whatsoever and no interest in church......yet when I think about her choice to end her life....evidently because she was miserable.......what could it have hurt to investigate Jesus, to hang out with a community of faith.........she would have experienced love, affirmation, acceptance....at least with the people I hang out with....I know she would have.......I led a service for her at a Wine Bar.....frankly a place I think Jesus would have been comfortable ...in fact I'm thinking he would have been more comfortable there, then at some of the churches that exist today......sorry........what do you say in such a circumstance? well God gave me grace and favor......in the end I shared about what's really important....what's the most important thing?
Loving God and loving one another.........told them about the story of the 'expert in the law' who sought to 'test Jesus'........so he asked him which is the most important commandment....and Jesus wouldn't answer....he asked him....what do you think it is? .....the man answered...to love the Lord your God with all your heart soul and mind.......Jesus said 'you are right and the second is like it....love your neighbor as your self....go and live ' Not to bad an idea for me or you...love God, love others...Go and live!

How about some solutions...

In a previous blog, I articulated what I think the problems with the response to the failure of leaders in the church, so I feel I'm obligated to offer some solutions or suggestions on how things should be handled. My ex, whom I am still close to and speak with often, thinks I'm the right person to do this because of what we experienced in the church, and I agree. 

Galatians 6
1BRETHREN, IF any person is overtaken in misconduct or sin of any sort, you who are spiritual [who are responsive to and controlled by the Spirit] should set him right and restore and reinstate him, without any sense of superiority and with all gentleness, keeping an attentive eye on yourself, lest you should be tempted also.2Bear (endure, carry) one an other's burdens and ^[a]troublesome moral faults, and in this way fulfill and observe perfectly the law of Christ (the Messiah) and complete ^[b]what is lacking [in your obedience to it].
I'll point to a couple other text, there aren't many by the way, to give us some guidelines for dealing with the fallen.

In this text it clearly indicates that people will succumb to sin, be overtaken, fall, blow it, take your choice. The question is what should our response be? First, let me articulate what the response all too often is: Anger, retribution, punishment, gossip, general ill will, cutting the person off.   I do make room for and know that very good and sincere people trying to do the right thing for some reason don't, maybe we rush things.

First of all, you may take issue with gossip being included in this list, after all you are only talking about something someone actually did. I have heard gossip defined this way: It is telling someone something about someone else that they don't need to know. It's not a matter of whether it is true or not; Is it your business? Is it the business of the person you are telling? Does it promote restoration and healing? I think not.

Feelings of anger and a sense of betrayal are normal, but those feelings don't justify in sinning in your anger. Acting in ways that will harm the one who has sinned, making the task of restoration more difficult than it already is. Betrayal? Maybe, but maybe not. I can't think of a single instance in which someone that I am familiar with has fallen that there haven't been signs along the way. One of the most common things I hear from people in the aftermath of a person falling is, " I knew there was something wrong", " I've been seeing things for quite some time" or comments like that. My question always is  Did you say something to the person? What did you do to try and help or stop this person from going down this destructive path? All to often the answer is, 'no I was afraid they would be angry with me' 'no I thought someone else was talking to him/her' Matthew 18 say, 'If YOU see someone in sin, go to them..' No it's not easy and with leaders it's down right scary, but if we really care about people we can't wait until they crash and burn and then stand over their mangled life acting shocked and betrayed, when we 'knew something was wrong.' It is not an easy thing to do, but its the right thing to do.

I won't go deeply into this, but when I was in trouble and struggling, it was hard not to notice; in fact it was blatant and obvious that I wasn't making it. At one point at my home with my wife sitting there, I confessed that I felt that I had disqualified myself as an elder in the church. I have no idea what those folks heard, but none of them said a word to me at that time or afterwards, so I was surprised when they said they were shocked when I finally hit the dust.
Would it have been hard to confront me?  Absolutely!   I had all the power structurally and in that church system really didn't have to be accountable.

So what should happen in these situations? First of all, it would be great if something happens before the person falls, if we would develop structures that allow for accountability. Any system where the leader is 'king' is a dangerous system. We need to respect our leaders, but they shouldn't be given so much structural authority that they don't have to account for their behaviors. That would mean if a person is acting out in ways that give rise to concern, those concerns can be addressed in a open and fair context where the confronting person can't just be blown off or fears repercussions.

Another thing that would be preventative would be to take our responsibility to protect one another and care for each other more seriously. If you are in a system that facilities 'kingship' or autocratic leadership models, one in which you are not allowed to ask honest and fair questions, then 'run Forrest run'! If you're in a system that is not open and is secretive and dismissive of sincere and fair scrutiny, I would think of disconnecting. Those systems facilitate or support leaders acting with autonomy and no one needs that kind of latitude. We all have the potential to fail and if we are allowed to isolate and disconnect from the community, the chances are we will.

So if a leader fails, what should we do?
I'll just give a few principles that I think will be helpful.

1. Have a written plan in place that is based on biblical principles to guide your church through the process. I think almost every business and city in the State of California has an emergency plan in place in case of an earthquake. It's not a matter of if there will be an earthquake, it's a matter of when. These situations are like 'spiritual earthquakes'; they rock everyone's world and knock everyone off balance.   And the closer you are to the epicenter, the more damage there is.   In the case of churches, it is usually the Board and staff who are closest to the epicenter and have a very difficult time staying objective and balanced in their approach, yet they are in most cases given the assignment of dealing with the problem. It is very difficult to be even and to not react in anger to the failings of someone they are close to and in many cases they act in punitive ways, of which there is no biblical mandate for doing so. The mandate is healing and restoration, not punishment and retribution. So a document guiding us through the process is something that would be a benefit to all involved. The person who sins needs to be protected believe it or not, and so does the community.

2. Don't be afraid to get outside help. You will not be the first community to go through this situation.  There are others that have and have developed approaches that can be a help to you. One that comes to mind is the Foursquare denomination. It seems to me that they handle these things well.

3. Deal with the situation as a community of faith, not a cooperation! Most non-profits are Incorporated in their States and have by-laws which they are to govern by. No problem, use those as guidelines, but use the scriptures as the primary source of handling the situation.
The people should know there is a problem and in general what the problem is. They don't need to know every gruesome detail. They think they need to, they demand to, but in most cases that does nothing to promote healing and restoration. It's kind of like someone going into surgery, 'were taking him in, we'll be operating on his heart and will give you updates along the way.' It's not a matter of hiding anything, if the long term desire is for restoration and healing, you don't want to add to the condition of the person by exposing and shaming the person publicly.

4. Whenever possible let the person who has fallen remain in the community where they have failed. Yes, it would be awkward at first and uncomfortable, but over time it makes it clear that the person hasn't been cut off and exiled. It also is a clear indicator of the persons willingness to own their sin and walk in humility in relationship with their family. That's what we say we are, a family, but we act like anything but family when dealing with these situations. Do we cast adrift our children when they fail? Our brothers or sisters? We don't pretend the person hasn't failed, but we can walk through it with them, allowing them to experience the consequence of their failure, but we don't add to that consequence by failing to love them.

5. Celebrate together the recovery and victory together. I could be wrong about this, but one of my fantasies has always been of my wife and I completing the process that was set up for us, which we did.   And with us being present with our church community, and it being announced and celebrated in the church as a victory for Jesus. I cannot imagine the rank and file folks who made up the congregation not standing up and cheering, praising God. I don't say this with one ounce of bitterness, but I think feeling cut off from the church we had been part of for 20  years  was harmful to us, and to some degree undermined our ability to fully recover.  It was unfortunate. We lived and we are both doing fine now, but I think that would have been a good and pleasing thing to the Lord.

Sorry for using myself as an example, but I have gone through this and since then have continued to watch others go through it and we continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.
I'd like to see us do it God's way somewhere, sometime, it happens to far and few between in my opinion.
I would love to hear from you on this.  I would love you to pass this along to others. I would love for the church act its best in one of these situations not the worst.

Just as a footnote, I always hear as a justification for treating someone harshly is due to the nature of their sin.  Although I'm sure there are circumstances in which that needs to be in some way considered, that doesn't seem to be part of the criteria of what Paul lays out for us in Galatians 6 or anywhere else we see these issues dealt with in the NT, except the unrepentant man in Corinthians, who was set aside, but then Paul later had to plead with the church to let him back in once he repented!