There are many levels of friendship, casual acquaintances, life long friendships, new friends and deep personal relationship where there is transparency and natural accountability. I'll just deal with the two that are in my opinion the most important.
First of all, I am going to talk about lifelong relationship, ones that are 30 years old or longer. These friendships are just wonderful, so rich, so rewarding. Just the fact that you hang on and stick it out together is great in itself. But its more than that, in these relationships, you don't have to say everything in a precise and detailed way. You know each other and can laugh about some your faults and foibles. You have so much history there is always something to talk about and more than likely you have to be careful not to gossip. In these relationships you know you can make a call and this person or persons will do whatever they can to assist you or walk through a difficult time with you. If you have known each other this long, then you know lots of people in common and it's always interesting to see how various journeys unfold. Without a doubt you have experience great difficulties and challenges, probably great loses together. How sweet it is to have someone around who understands. I have a handful of these and they have played an important part in my life, helping me to continue, helping me to keep things in perspective, helping me to laugh in spite of the pain.
Another type of friendship, is one that goes even deeper and comprises a very small group of people. These are the people who love you up close and personal. Who stand with you when you are falling down. These people are willing to wound you so you may be healed. They will speak the truth in love, they will not judge or condemn, but they won't co sponsor your B.S. either.
I recently told a friend that I would stick with him, even if it meant sitting next to him on a street corner with a work for food sign. So many relationships in the world are conditional or utilitarian. If things are going well and you are in the zone of success, there are people around. If you are serving a purpose, can be used for some purpose, when the work is done, so are you.
Years ago when I resigned from my position at a church as Senior Pastor, I had some close friends say, 'now you're going to find out who your friends are', boy were they right. All of a sudden people who you knew for years, traveled with, ate with, laughed with, cried with just disappear, they no longer call nor return phone calls, it is really something to behold. I remember so clearly one day walking into a Starbuck's, and coming out the door was a man I had recently been to England with, on a great ministry trip, I greeted him and he simply walked right by me close enough to touch, and didn't speak to me. Some argue that these are the people who feel betrayed by you or hurt by you, OK I'll give you a little tip of the hat on that one, but the hurt that you and I may feel is nothing comparison of the family members.
I have been blogging about a friend of mine who has failed as a pastor and leader, I don't feel personally hurt by this, he didn't do anything to me, I don't feel betrayed by this that is ridiculous. His family is the one that has truly suffered and truly been hurt, the fact most of us are outside looking in these situations. What I found that almost every letter I received was kind and compassionate, an completely supportive. I think sadness is a better word than hurt, unless you were directly affected by the person.
Am I disappointed in my friend? Yes. Am I going to cut him off or abandon him, like so many have seemed to do. I call him every day, I get together with him, I am helping him in every way I know how. Am I doing something noble? NO, it is what friends do. Is he repentant? How and heck do I know that! I'm not God and that's the point, you can't know a persons heart, 'the sinner' usually doesn't know whether they are repentant for quite some time.
By the way if you know of someone in leadership and you are assuming that they are being cared for, don't! We the church, don't major in the 'restore such a one gently part' of things, so don't assume your pastor or leader is being cared for, more than likely they're not. If you are concerned reach out to them directly to make sure that they are okay.
You know what? I have been 'known and loved' by this person, and he is simply reaping what he has sown.
This kind of friendship is not based on performance or usefulness, but rather love and understanding. They as friends they endure the good and bad times because they are not measuring the relationship by conditional standards. You will never have many of these kinds of friends, most of us are lucky if we have one. I know this, I have more than I deserve and they heal me, they help me, they love me, in all my humanness. They can never love me like Jesus but they can be awesome representatives of Him in my life and they are. They help me to experience the Incarnate Christ here on earth. These kind of friends, don't support or put up with your nonsense, but they don't leave when you can't hear or listen to what they are saying. They are patient, kind, caring and will kick the crap out of you if need be. I love/hate those friends! But I'm glad I have them and cherish them as much as anything in this life.
Who are your friends?
5 comments:
Someone has said we have friends that fall into three categories.
There are friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for life. There are precious few of the latter. Aren't we glad Jesus is a friend for eternity.
You are a great friend to him Carl!
Friendship is, in my opinion, the hardest of our social relationships to clearly define and thus have clear and mutual expectations for. We don't teach our shildren how to be a friend - there aren't even any "self help' books on how to do this well and yet we can read up on every other soical relationship you can name from familial to marrital to occupational. We take our ques from movies and literature impose and our own "wishes" and presuppositions based on the above. Even scripture has those that Christ called friends abondoning, denying and betraying him! So what help do we have in determinig how the heck to do this friendship thing? The only good example I know of is Christ himself and how unfailing He was in the face of all of the disciples failings. That is what you speak to Carl, as I read it. I wonder how may people consider Him when they turn loose those who dissapoint or cause them hurt of one degree or another? If we are to love like Jesus, shouldn't we extend our attempts to include being a friend like Jesus? Isn't setting ourselves aside for the sake of others the truest test of our Christian metal? As to the man who passed you in the doorway - put your hat back on. The is no excuses when simple decensy is exchanged for overt rudeness! Guess you have another topic for a book.....
Hi Carl, great post, on a painful topic.
It never ceases to amaze me how pastors collude with each other in the isolation of friends, when things go wrong.
Maybe it's fear of what might happen to them, that it is catching, or maybe it's that they helped create the system that takes their friends down, and they have to collude with it, or maybe it's that they were never really friends in the first place?
"And a friend's a friend forever, it the Lord's the Lord of them.."
Carl, it's comforting to know that you are walking out the gospel to my friend. I am praying for both of you on this journey of healing.
donnao
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